With all the moving, I have never had a place to call home. I want a home, but more than that I want to be home. Home is more than ownership of a piece of dirt. Home is that sense of belonging; I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

There was a time I thought when I grew up, all that would change. If I could just get out on my own, I could have the stability I was missing. Maybe in some very limited way that is true, but it is also not that simple.

Getting out does not automatically solve the problem. Does my sense of belonging stem purely from external acceptance or does it also come from my own acceptance of myself. If I don’t believe I am acceptable, I will project timidity and withdraw at the first sign if resistance.

Yes, I have been deeply wounded. Yes, I am scared. Yes, there are times I would very much like to run for the hills, but what would be my legacy then?

I want to be remembered for the strength with which I faced the hard road I have walked. I want people, when they look back at my life, to say “She gave it her all. She cared when no one else would. She changed my life.”

If I can have that, all the pain I have endured will have been worth it.

While a case could be made that freelancers in less developed nations don’t mind pay significantly less than what their U.S. counterparts receive for the same work, I don’t see why that has to be the case.

If I were to offer a project to someone in a less developed nation, I would pay them the same amount I would pay to someone here in the U.S.

Obviously, if the employer is in a less developed nation, they wouldn’t be able to offer as much. Here in lies the problem. If freelancers in less developed nations start demanding U.S. wages they will drive employers in their own countries out of business, if they don’t it can send the global market into a tailspin.

For myself, I intend to only apply for projects that pay well enough to meet my needs. The amount that is enough is different for each person; there is no way to come up with a one-size-fits-all solution.

For this to work there needs to be enough of a mix of pay rates to allow everyone, regardless of nation, to be adequately paid.

I’ve been trying to learn everything I can about citation methods, the business side of writing, and, in general, trying to figure out where my life is going.

It’s hard to plan much when my health is deteriorating at such a rapid rate, but if I don’t look to the future what’s the point in living.

I want whatever I do to make a difference. For all those that still need me, I live.

My hope is that if I work on both projects together I can keep a better flow of creative ideas. We shall see how well it works.

At the moment, I’m working on a couple of screenplay projects. In developing of my characters, I’ve noticed there are a lot of books out there that encourage the use of clichés and stereotypes.

Character development should start with human nature. If you’re observant of human nature, you can create realistic characters and plot lines. You don’t need fancy questionnaires filled with non-consequential questions to accomplish that.

Today, I’m actually working on writing a resume. I’m still not all that sure how to write a resume when I have absolutely no work history or any degrees, but I’m sure I’ll think of something. If any of you out there have any ideas, I’ll be glad to take whatever help I can get.

Otherwise, I’m now half done with the second lecture series I mentioned last night.

NCIS will be coming on in a few minutes, so I guess it’s time for a break.

I’m in a lot of pain right now so I will have to keep this short.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. I completed the lecture series The Art of Writing and am currently I’m going through The Art of Reading. They were given at Cambridge by Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch in the early part of the twentieth century. So far, they are pretty interesting.

Once I get my reading list completed, I may yet get back to actually writing. Hopefully, I will be a better writer for having done all this reading.

I have no idea how well my plan for getting published is going to work, but, right now, I have nothing to lose.

My plan is to publish my short eBook on education online. If that one does well, I’ll try to get the second, more comprehensive book published through a traditional publisher.

My hope is that if my first book draws enough sales, publishers will look more favorably on me even though I don’t have a degree in education (or anything else for that matter).

For now, I have my work cut out for me in the researching and planning, but I’m starting to get excited again about what I can accomplish.

There is a part of me that, the deeper I feel something, the harder it is for me to give it words. I know this sounds strange coming from someone who is a writer, but it’s also hardly a State Secret that I am, by nature, a paradoxical enigma.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m still looking for a way to get financially independent, publish my writing, get well, and basically survive the lingering crises I find myself in.